If there's one thing I hate, it's knowing that I'm in the midst of changing. Sometimes I just wish for that very reason that I was dumb and unobservant, flippant and frivolous with my life. It's one thing to look back and say "Hey, I've changed since then. Whatdaya know?". It's a whole 'nother thing to realize you're in the thick of it. And I guess when it comes down to it, it's not me changing myself, it's God changing me. I'm not doing a thing. And that's such stinking humbling thought.

I did something tonight that I'm really quite ashamed of. I ran away from my "friends". You know it's bad when you can't even call them real friends. But yes. I was at Faculty Follies with Wendy, Sara and Naomi. Perhaps that was my first mistake. I wanted to go with someone. Heaven forbid I should ever do anything by myself. The mixture of them (well, mostly just Sara) and the rest of the kids there made me want to hurl. I hate this place. That's all there is to it. I hate school like I've never hated anything before. I hate all the work, all the wasted time, all the screwed up teachers that don't give a damn and mostly, I hate all the fucking bastards that go there. And so, as soon as it was over, I made my escape. I didn't even attempt to make an excuse. I just left. I really shouldn't have. But I really needed to.
So what did I do? I drove. I had every intention of driving out to Hillsboro, finding somewhere to park and laying on top of my car to look at the stars. But then I remembered that I was a young female by myself and I can't do stuff like that. Especially in Hillsboro. So I drove around in circles, as I often do. I rolled the windows down and turned James Taylor way up. And I let out a blood-curdling shriek. Eventually, I made my way to Anna's for a bit of cheering up. Anna is the epitome of a true friend.
These next 6 months are going to be the hardest ever. I know that everyone says they'll fly by, but I highly doubt it. It's not that I'm looking forward to being out of my parents house, being on my own, being able to do whatever I want. I got through that phase this summer. I just need new places, new people. A new church would be nice too. I'm gonna suffocate if I stick around here much longer. And on that note, I thought I'd go ahead and share a bit of something I wrote a couple years ago. It was totally different circumstances then, but it all came to the same conclusion--I've got to get out of here


This place is sucking up my life like a vacuum sucks up dirt
And sticking around only makes me short of breath
It�ll be a lifetime before I can get away and breathe again
And waiting around might just kill me to death

I�ve got to run away and breathe
And spend a little time on me
And figure out just what I�m doing here
Cuz sometimes I think I�ve found my way
And sometimes it�s just another day
Another day I can�t get away from here

Well shoving things down my throat doesn�t make me want to swallow
And rarely do those things ever stay down
And making me pretend to be something that I�m not
Only makes me wanna get out of town

Sometimes I feel like breathing �round here�s like smoking cigarettes
The more I inhale, the less time I have to live
And by the time it�s finally time for me to pack my bags and leave
I�m not sure I�ll have much life for me to give

The air �round here might up and kill me
So maybe I�ll just up and leave
And I�m choking on the winds of change
But I�m dying when things stay the same
- thoughts provided by Katey Orr @ 12:16 AM