I wrote this sometime this fall, in one of my moods, and I really like it, so I thought I'd post it. It's a little melodramatic, but it's all good. Oh, and just as a side note, there's not a soul on this earth that knows who unnamed person is. So don't even begin to try!

I've made a resolution of the heart. A heart-resolution is very different than that of the mind. I know, I feel, live that I must keep this resolution. So what is it? That I can never marry any soul that walks this earth save _____ ____. Am I hopelessly in love? Not so much. I can never utter his name to anyone, not even the dearest of my friends. It's impossible that ever I should marry him. So I shall be an oldmaid 'til my departure. That, in a sense, if my heart-resolution.
Wherefore, you may ask? I am too shallow to love. I'm incapable even of caring. Truly. Granted, I cared for Taylor (I assure you, he is not the sould I could marry). I cared a great deal. But only for a time. Then I cared for the idea of him. I rather would have hated him. My life is empty. I care for no one, save Jessica. And I fear not that I'm not cared for. I am and I know it truly. This is my mortal enemy. Oh, to have the ability to care in return. But alas, it shall never be. I shall go throughout my life, being cared for deeply and never caring in return. Or even worse, pretending to care.
I suppose that Lucy Maud Montgomery was some earthly form of a god. How else could she have written about me 60 years before my birth? As I have reread Emily, I realize this more and more. I am the incarnated form of Emily. I am mostly filled with her "less desirable" qualities--her stubbornness, her love for simplicity, her indecisiveness (otherwise known as fickleness, yet I shall never say that word describing myself), her "slyness" and perhaps above all, I am temperamental if ever there was such a thing. I also see bits of myself in Ilse, mostly in her rages and stubborness, but above all, I am Emily. I embrace my "Emily-ness" and wish with all my heart that I could have her passion and talent for the pen. For, if I am to "attain old-maidenhood" (as I so dearly wish she had and am still, in a way, bitterly angered that she does live happily in the end), I need something to fill my days.
- thoughts provided by Katey Orr @ 3:33 PM

 

So, despite certain things, I really am enjoying my "old age", as Skidmore put it. Upperclassmanhood is so incredibly enjoyable. It's living up to all its expectations and Spring'll only make it all better! I think the best part is the people. No one cares anymore. About anything. The Charleston trip last weekend was the perfect example. You had your "nerds", your "popular crowd" and your "in betweens". There wasn't an extreme amount of interaction between the groups, but there was an overall general respect. And no one cared that the other people were there. Whereas, 3 years ago, it would have been all Revenge of the Nerds-esque.
And the other day, I talked for a good long while to a guy in my English class (I think he's in precal with me too, actually). We've known each other since elementary school (where we hated each other), went to different middle schools and ended up in high school together. He's a computer kid, I'm a...well, I don't know what I am. But in any event, 3 years ago, we wouldn't have been caught dead talking to each other. But, we talked for at least 15 minutes. It wasn't a real deep discussion or anything; we talked about classes next year, independant study fustrations, college, etc. I found out that he plays electric, self-taught, and wants an acoustic. A Martin, in fact (but then again, who doesn't?). And that he used to play a lot of rock and such, but he's mellowing out. I never would have guessed it.
Of course, our guitar talk prompted another guy to speak up about his Seagull and then "my friend Kevin" (whom I love dearly, despite his use of illegal substances) mentioned his Martin. Which then led Kevin and I to talk about his 9th grade "Pyramus and Thisbe" song to the tune of "In the jungle...". Overall, English was QUITE enjoyable! =)

- thoughts provided by Katey Orr @ 3:16 PM