I'm currently warming up my fingers before attacking my 3 page history paper due tomorrow. Not that 3 pages is normally a lot...but considering I a page (front!) of notes, it might could be difficult. And I have FCA tonight. And a weeks worth of calculus. And...lots more work that's piled up all week. But I actually decided to be social this week and that's the price I pay I guess. Although, it's not been so much because I wanted to be social, but it's been the only way I could keep my mind from the things that are ripping my life apart at the seams.
First, there's this stupid crush I have. Except that it's moe than a crush. And it's not stupid. Just pointless. There's absolutely no way it'll ever be mutual, so being the sensible, realistic girl that I am, I've tried my darndest to get ove rhim. But it's not working in the least bit. Which is making it even more fustrating and using more emotional engergy than it was before. Stupid boys, eh?
Then there's diving. I was told at the beginning of this year (and last year) that there wouldn't be a team, so I went ahead and filled up my schedule with other activities, such as work and FCA and such. But now, as it turns out, there is a team. It isn't a huge problem. It means that maybe one day I could dive at Rhodes. The problem is that I hardly have the time. It means I'd only be able to work on Saturdays (and I wouldn't be surprised if, because of that, I get fired). It means I'd have very little time for friends, both from "real life" and the internet. And honestly, my "internet friends" are the only reason I've kept my sanity these past few weeks. They're the only real Christian fellowship I have. They've been so supportive of me, from sending me cookies when I was at GSW, to mailing me cds, to praying for me in regards to my crush. And diving would mean very little time to interact with them, as well as the the Quints/Pirates. But I'm expected to dive. I can't let Lindy (my old coach) down like that. The chance to dive on a varsity team in college? I mean, I can't just give that up, can I? I'd be out of my mind, right?
And then there's my church situation. As much as I'd like to be completely and brutally honest here in my thoughts about my church, it's just not fair for me to do so. I know who reads this and I know that if I said everything I wanted to, some people would be very hurt/offended. And that won't help anything. I will say though, that I knew last February, when they first interviewed him, that James (our new youth pastor) was not right for the job and wouldn't do to the youth program what it needed. I said that from day 1. I said that again when they hired him, after not even interviewing anyone else. And now, 4 months into his time here, there's been one youth group event. He won't listen to the parents. He flat out doesn't understand kids or their needs, and as far as I'm concerned, doesn't care. Which is fine with me, 'cause I don't give a damn about him either. But several families, including those of some of my closest friends, are leaving the church because of all the dissention and disconnect within the church. And it leaves me in a really crappy position. I've done nothing but give to this group for 6 years (this being the 7th). For whatever reason, I've always had immense influence on the group as a whole. I couldn't do anything about what happened last year. This year, I can do even less. But I just can't relegate myself to giving up.
The problem is, the only thing I like about my church right now is the people. I'm currently having issues with all of the pastors that I ever come into contact with. They all obviously don't care about me, my needs or my wellbeing. Their actions are just shouting that. I hate going to both Sunday school and "big people's church" (as we used to call it) because of who teaches. I can't go to college Sunday school either, because of the teacher. So, this week, I'm going to Chapel Hill Bible for their 9:30 church (I should have done it the past 2 weeks!) and then back to Good Shepherd for 11. Maybe I'll eventually get around to visiting the Summit Church, New Hope, Grace Church and First Baptist. But the fact remains, I never would have imagined myself leaving my church. But honestly, I have very little reason to stay. Jessica, Lydia, Anna (when she comes!), Chris and Jon are the only real reasons. There's just nothing really holding me there now, no reason to stay. And that's what hurts me the most.
- thoughts provided by Katey Orr @ 8:27 PM

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

 

Question time!

1) What's your favorite food?
2) If you could only eat one nationality's food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
3) What meal/food do you eat the most?
4) Do you ever watch the Food Network?
5) What's the best smelling food?

- thoughts provided by Katey Orr @ 5:18 PM

 

(I started writing this on Tuesday, but time got away from me, so I had to finish it today...thus, all the "todays" and "yesterdays" are actually back a day).
It's been a very odd week so far. To start off with, I didn't have to go to school 'til 11:45 today. Which meant I slept in 'til 9:30 and such. And because it was so warm and everything, it really felt like the mornings this summer when I had sectionals and thus could sleep through first period. Add to it the chicken nuggets and Sprite for breakfast and it was quite odd.
But yesterday was very odd too. First of all, I saw Cole at the post office. I haven't talked to Cole since beginning of last year and haven't even seen him all school year. But for whatever reason, he said hi and we ended up talking and joking around for a couple minutes. It was just wierd to talk to him, after a year, in the post office of all places. Actually, to be quite honest, I thought he'd forgotten who I was. And now I really wish I'd been able to see him play on Franklin St. couple weeks ago.
I also went to the soccer game last night. I'm not sure I've been to a soccer game since state champs sophomore year. But since it was senior night, I thought I ought to go out and support Nick and Wes (and Jasmine, though it's not like she needed support or anything). We won, of course, but it was a really close game. We're #1 in the state and #22 in the country and we have a really good chance of winning states again this year. But anyway, back to the wierdness. After the game, all the guys wanted Jasmine to go to Bo's with them, so me, Jasmine and Natalie went. And that was quite possibly the oddest thing I have ever done. I mean, I have classes with a couple of the soccer guys, but I definitely don't hang with that crowd. When I got home, my mom was like "Wait...you went out with the soccer team? But, you don't hang out with the soccer kids!". It was pretty funny!

- thoughts provided by Katey Orr @ 5:17 PM

Sunday, October 19, 2003

 

Inspired by Morgan, here's my list of things I want to do before I die. There are, of course, many more things, but these are the only ones I feel like listing right now.

-get married
-go to Europe (*should happen this summer*)
-record a cd
-got to college
-get a masters
-go on a short term missions trip
-become fluent in another language
-study/work in another country
-visit all the major Civil War battlefields (*Antitem, Manasses, Gettysburg and Petersburg down...*)
-own a really nice guitar
-learn to play banjo, mandolin, mountain dulcimer and drums proficiently
-become a good bass player and a really good guitarist
-hike the Appalachian Trail
-visit every state in the US (*33 down...*)
-visit 5 other continents
-write an autobiography
-share an appartment with some combination of Jess, Lydia and Anna
-attend a cc.net weekend gathering thing
-attend at least 25 concerts for a single band/artist
-own a sailboat
-be on support staff at Camp Willow Run
-crochet at whole blanket

- thoughts provided by Katey Orr @ 7:01 PM

 

I lots of times forget how stinkin' privileged I am. Durham isn't exactly the nicest place around; it certainly has its problems. Like the large populations of gangs and the really high murder rate. We have enormous race problems too, especially when it comes to our schools and the school board. But we're so much better off than a lot of the rest of the state. I was talking to Ali, one of my friends from GSW yesterday and, like most of the other converstations I've had in the past 3 months, we were talking about college. I don't remember how it came up, but she told me that out of her entire graduating class, only about 20 will go on to college. Granted, she only has 1000 in her whole school, which means a graduating class of less than 250, but still. Take that and compare it to the 92% at my school (in my class of 360) that go on to college of some sort the year after they graduate, which discludes everyone who takes a year off or joins the military before going to college. My mom and I estimated that about 98% of Jordan graduates go on to college of some sort. The fact that there's a high school only an hour or so up 85 from me where less than 10% of the graduates go on to college just blows my mind.
I was in Sanford last night at a birthday party. It's like another world. I so often forget that rest of the state isn't like Durham or Raleigh or Chapel Hill. I forget how affluent my area is. I forget that there's kids who live and hour or more away from Southpoint and plan trips in advance to go. I forget that there's towns with only one movie theatre, a Wal-Mart, a K-Mart and a Golden Corral. I forget how stinkin' blessed I am to live where I do and go to school where I do. And I'm glad I have friends to remind me otherwise.

- thoughts provided by Katey Orr @ 2:24 PM