The Importance of Absurdity
Tuesday, September 02, 2003
 
So (yes, I'm posting for the third time today, but I just have a lot to say, ok?), I really enjoy not being attracted to anyone. Jessica calls it "being free", although I tend to have a bit more of an optimistic view of the opposite sex when it comes to relationships than the rest of them. In any event, it's nice. My conversations with my best friends change dramatically when we're all "free", though rarely, if ever, has that happened (I think we just live vicariously through one another!). It really just changes my whole outlook on life (and now I feel that I sound silly). Granted, I'm a bit different from most, seeing as my last 2 serious "crushes" have been long distance things and even my last not quite as serious one was sorta long distance. Yeah, I'm just a freak.

That being said, there is one thing that I dislike about being "free". I'm so much more succeptable to swoonage. Like, it's bad. Especially in relation to music. I have this tendancy to get swoony 10 times as frequently when I'm "free" than when I'm not. I don't know if it's my whole "boys are only scum if you let them be so" philosophy (and an interesting philosophy it is! I'll have to explain it sometime!) or that I'm just more idealistic. Either way, it's not cute (as Ali would say). And I hate it. It almost makes me want to fall for someone again. Except not.

- thoughts provided by Katey Orr @ 8:59 PM
 
Gah! So I'm officially a big jerk. Apparently, I promised my brother earlier in the summer that he could have my John Mayer cd. I don't really remember doing so, though I'm pretty sure it was when we were in Montana, and I don't remember much of our family interaction at all from Montana (I was too busy stressing about GSW to remember). In any event, I don't doubt that I did so, seeing as I bought it last summer and he burned it so he'd know the songs when he saw Mayer in concert. I have this nice little backlash against John Mayer since late Winter, for whatever reason. I only liked a couple songs on the cd anyway and now the thought of him just disgusts me (although, I do still turn up the radio when his songs come on, oddly enouh). I don't think I'd played the cd since January.

So anyway, after Montana, I went off to Governor's School and made some friends who also don't like him, which of course, influenced me all the more. So, when Sarah Doyle visited right after break, and happened to mention that she didn't have the cd and wanted to get it eventually, I offered her mine and gave it to her. With no recollection that I'd already promised it to my brother.

And of course, not too long ago, while packing for Scotland for the semseter, my brother came and asked where the cd was. I told him I didn't have it 'cause I gave it to Sarah and then asked why he asked. And he told me that I'd promised it to him earlier in the summer. He was pretty ticked. And I feel awful! I mean, he has the burned copy, but I never promise my brothers things. And now, the one time that I did, I totally let him down. Stupid stupid stupid!

- thoughts provided by Katey Orr @ 6:16 PM
 
As if the end of the summer hadn't already been rough enough, it's now gotten rougher. Some of you may know about Matt West being killed at the end of July. I didn't know him (though several of my friends did), but it really got to me. Partially 'cause I know the kid who was driving, partially 'cause of how it happened, partially 'cause of the response from the general adult population. Then, not even a month later, Kayla Radack, another senior at Riverside was killed in a wreck. A lot of my friends knew her.

This weekend, Bailey Layton, who graduated from my school year before last died. He was 19. I can't say that I ever talked to him, but I certainly saw him plenty in the halls and parking lot and such. He always seemed like a really decent guy, or at least compared to everyone else at my school. Someone online made a comment today about how all the stupid guys die young. That really upset me. Not that they said it, 'cause they didn't know. But how often do I say that same thing? Or joke about controlling the death rate (and thus overpopulation) by killing off all the dumb people? Man, I'm such an 'effin jerk!

And I guess the reason I've been so upset about all these people, even though I didn't really know any of them, is 'cause my class is the first class at least since we started high school and I think even before then to make it even this far without losing someone. We'll certainly be the first class that was at Jordan when we got there to graduate without losing someone. But I just have this gut feeling, knowing the kids in my class, that we won't make it. And that scares me more than anything.

- thoughts provided by Katey Orr @ 5:56 PM
Monday, September 01, 2003
 
School is officially overwhelming now, and it's only been 3 weeks. 15 days. 90 class periods. I know that part of it is that I have several things due tomorrow and I put them off all week 'til today. And really, it's not so much the workload. Yeah, it's more than I've ever had, but with the classes I have, that's expected. I'm the type of person that can get it all done, regardless of how much (that's not to say I do get it all done, but I can if I want to). It more just the idea of school. This year seems so much longer, May seems so much further away than it has all the other years. I wonder most everyday if I'll really make it to May without going completely psycho. I'm not convinced that I will. I mean, I flat out can't see myself walking across the stage at Cameron Indoor on May 27, 2004. I think I just don't believe that I'll actually graduate. Which is ridiculous, seeing as I'm in no danger at all of not graduating. So maybe it's just the thought of doing all this work, putting in all that effort, taking up so much time, spending so much money and then it all being worthless.
Is it worthless regardless though? I mean, I don't really need those 18 hours of credit that I'll start college with at all. I'd have no trouble graduating in 4 years with just the APUSH credit I already have. There's no issue anymore of my graduating early. Even to save the 'rents money. Between Duke money and an 87% chance at a Rhodes scholarship, my 'rents aren't gonna be paying a ton anyway. Not to mention that all 4 of us (my dad's going back to school spring semester) are filling out FAFSA for next year. Even if I were to end up at a more expensive school than Rhodes (if I could even get in to one!), we'd be ok money wise. Which makes me wonder why I keep beating myself over the head and telling myself I have to get 4's or 5's on this year's AP tests. Goodness, I can't even make sense of myself. How could anyone else?

- thoughts provided by Katey Orr @ 5:51 PM
Sunday, August 31, 2003
 
Haha, this is great (tripleM4duke=me, QTcutie64=Jess). Just so you know!

QTcutie64: I miss your laugh!
tripleM4duke: awwww!
tripleM4duke: I miss you too...all of you!
tripleM4duke: I was telling someone the other day that the worst thing about friends being out of town is that, even if you don't always vall them or see them everyday, when they're out of town, you don't have the option of calling them, and that really sucks!
QTcutie64: all of me?
QTcutie64: well I'm glad you don't miss just my legs or something
QTcutie64: or my head
QTcutie64: or arm
QTcutie64: yea....
QTcutie64: and when you have something to say, you can't say it
tripleM4duke: exactly!
tripleM4duke: and girl, I miss your legs!
QTcutie64: LOL

- thoughts provided by Katey Orr @ 12:10 AM

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