Somedays, I'm weary. Somedays, I'm empty. Somedays, I could dance for hours and never stop to catch my breath. And somedays, I could write the most profound statement, the most meaningful essay, the story that would touch a soul...if only I could write it. Those are the days that scare me.
I've always thought of myself as a writer. I can remember writing poetry as early as first grade, possibly even before. I was always the one writing the elaborate plots with the unexpected twists. Apparently, my fascination with murder (wow, that sounds RETARDED!) started early--I remember writing a murder mystery story in 3rd grade. By middle school, I was the poetry queen. When my friends needed a poem for some thing or another, they'd ask me to write it for them. My family always writes poems for gifts, as IOUs of sorts. They'd always get me to do them. Even freshman year, I obsessed over writing poetry. But then, out of no where, I stopped.
I stopped writing all together. No poems, no stories, no songs. I kept telling myself that it was because no one cared what I had to say and that I needed time to grow up before I wrote anything that was worth reading. But looking back, that's not really why. I was so utterly terrified of not measuring up. I had this idea that the few people who read my work had this glorified image of me, one that I could never live up to. To some extent, I was right. But mostly, I was scared of the challange. I don't know if I was too lazy or too shy or too stupid, but for whatever reason, I didn't want to be good. No, that's not true. I wanted to be good. I just didn't want to have to work to be good.
That makes me sad more than probably anything. I've done tons of stupid things, but that may top them all off. And it's not completely too late. If I worked at it, I could still be worth reading some day. But it was such a perfect time for me, the perfect time to rise to the challange and I blew it. I was ripe. I was ready. I could have been good. I mean, the thought of that just blows my mind. I could have been good! I've never been good at anything! And I guess now I never will.
- thoughts provided by Katey Orr @ 11:28 PM