Wow. I looked back just a minute ago at my past couple posts and realized that I really haven't posted all summer. I feel badly. Since I went to GSW, I've posted 7 times. And really, only one (arguably 2) have been decent posts. My apologies.

I've been asked a lot in the past 3 days how everything's been since I got back. The transition back to normal life has definitely been hard. I mean, going from living with absolutely amazing people and being with them 24 hours a day, to being at home and sitting around all day and seeing no one but your family is difficult. I mean, I considered today a successful day because I got up at 9, curled my hair, dressed up, put on makeup, took senior portraits, picked up job applications, visited Deidra and turned in a job application. And that's successful? How? How can doing so little be such a good thing? I mean yeah, every once in a while, but I know that's exactly what the rest of my summer's gonna be like. And I don't like that. As much as I like sleeping, I liked the fact that I was awake by at least 8:30 every morning. I was outside everyday. I never go outside at home. I guess I just feel like my life here in unimportant and worthless. Nothing happens, nothing gets done. But that wasn't the case at GSW.

And then there's the whole issue of going back to school. See, I don't feel like I've changed all that much. Maybe I have, but I can't see it so much and no one's been able to tell me how I have. They all say I have, but can't give any examples. But at the same time, I feel so much older and so much more...just different. But when I go back to school, I'll fall into the same trap that all the SV kids did after last summer. Everyone has that notion of who you are. Not in a bad way, it's just who they perceive you to be. And that perception grows and you grow into it. Everyone does. Why do you think I dress the way I do? Why do you think Jasmine and I are so lazy? Why do you think Wendy studies the way she does? It's all part of fitting into other people's perception of ourselves. We don't like to let people down, so we try to fulfill what they think of us. I'm expected to wear jeans and a gray t-shirt, so I do. I'm expected to not do homework or study, so I don't. It's not a bad thing at all. It's simply trying to not let other people down. But then there's a problem when people change. Wendy changed a lot last summer and people had a hard time accepting that. They kept the same perception of her, while she no longer wanted to strive to fulfill that. And that led to problems. The same thing is gonna happen to Natalie (Natalya) when we go back. She won't accept that it will, but it will. THe power of people is way underestimated. And I'm worried that it'll happen to me. I don't know how it would happen, I'm just afraid that it will. And I don't want to waste my senior year trying to be understood.
- thoughts provided by Katey Orr @ 11:49 PM