I realized last night that I'm absolutely terrified of going away this summer. Deathly afraid. All my excitement from the past couple months has been replaced with utter fear. But I'm stuck now! I have to go! And honestly, I think I'm just as afraid of staying here as I am of leaving.
I'm not scared of leaving home or being on my own or the prospect of having an awful roommate. I'm not afraid of sucking or having no friends or not finding a church to go to. I have no fear of bad teachers or bad food or too much work. What I'm so afraid of is not being here. I'm afraid of losing friendships that I've recently aquired. I'm afraid of well-established friends making new ones. More than anything else though, I'm deathly afraid of changing. I have no desire to change. I'm perfectly happy with who I am, what I am. But I know that change is inevitable. I know that's why God's giving me this oppertunity. And I can only pray that I change for the better. Have my best friendships survived changes in the past? Heck yeah. Will they again? You betcha. But what if I come back a totally different person, one my newer friends don't like? I know, I know, if they don't like me, they're not real friends. But real friendships change all the time because people change. And it's not a popularity type issue. It's a simple "they-like-me-how-I-am-right-now-and-what-happens-if-I-change" issue. But like I said, I'm possibly more afraid of being here. Going away gives me an excuse. "Yeah, things just didn't work out 'cause I wasn't here this summer". If I were here and things fell apart on me, I don't know what I'd do.
The fact remains, I simply don't want to be away from my friends, old and new, for 6 weeks. Yeah, I'll see some of them 4th of July weekend, but I certainly won't see them all. And there's no guarantee I'll see the ones I want to see the most. The ones I'll need to see the most. And that's what kills me.


- thoughts provided by Katey Orr @ 3:28 PM