Sometimes...ok, most of the time, I can't believe how much of a loser I am. I know we all joke around saying this a lot, but it's true--I suck at life. I'm such a failure, such an imbecile, such a jerk. It's really a wonder to me that I have any friends. In the past month especially, I just feel like I've failed at everything, like I can't do anything right. But is it really that I'm failing more? I don't think so. My money's on the fact that I'm just realizing it more. I can see my failure better. And that almost sucks more. It's one thing to realize how much you sin, but it's a whole 'nother thing to realize the depth of that sin.
"I will not boast in anything, no gifts, no power, no wisdom. But I will boast in Jesus Christ, His death, and resurrection". We sang that song (a beautiful song, I might add) in church recently and Lydia pointed out those lyrics at our makeshift Bible study a couple weeks ago. I've been chewing on it ever since. Or trying, rather. See, I understand and agree with it completely. I do realize that there's no reason, no excuse for me to boast in ANYTHING I've done because it's all Christ. But I'm not quite to the point where I'm living that out. I haven't swallowed it yet (if you will). I do boast in myself--ALL the frickin' time. I place my confidence in myself and my abilities (or lack thereof, rather) or other things that won't last, rather than the eternal perfection that's Christ. I don't look at my life and say "Wow, look what God did there". I say "Man! I'm good!".
And so, to be in this place where I'm realizing the depth and multitude of my sin, but not placing my hope and confidence in His grace...it's hard. To be quite honest, it's depressing. There's a reason I haven't been eating or sleeping well lately. And all I can do is pray that God will smack me upside the head and say "You stupid girl, grow up! This isn't about what you've done. It isn't about you at all! Remember that time I sent my son and had him killed? That took care of all this. Just trust me here."
- thoughts provided by Katey Orr @ 4:21 PM